Unlocking Tantrums: Hearing What Your Child Isn’t Saying!

As parents of young children, we’re often faced with challenges when our little ones seem upset, angry, or distant. In those moments, we’re left wondering, “What just happened?” 

Meet Aditi 

Aditi is four years old. She recently became a big sister, and while she’s proud of that title, it has also been a big adjustment. Her baby brother cries a lot, especially at night, which makes it harder for her to sleep. She also gets less time with her parents now because of the baby. 

She usually enjoys kindergarten. Her teachers are kind, she has one close friend, and the swing in the play area is her happy place. But her favorite part of the day is when Dad drops her off and Mom picks her up. It’s her moment of connection. She feels special. One-on-one time has become even more precious since her baby brother arrived. 

A Difficult Day

It’s Monday, the day after a family get-together. Aditi stayed up late playing with her cousins. At bedtime, she wanted Mom to tuck her in. But Mom was busy cleaning up, and Dad was attending to the baby. Aditi had to go to bed by herself. 

The next morning, she didn’t want to go to kindergarten. She told her parents she was tired and sleepy. They reminded her she could sleep early after coming back. She even pretended to have a tummy ache, just to stay home, but Dad gently called it out: “Don’t lie”. Unwillingly but quietly, she got ready. 

On the way to kindergarten, Dad had to take a work call so Aditi couldn’t listen to her favorite songs with him. At school, the swing was too crowded. By the time it was her turn, playtime was over. She and her friend blamed each other and fought. 

Children's Tantrums Catch Us by Surprise 

When Mom picked her up that evening, Aditi didn’t talk much. She gave just short answers to questions about her day:  “Yes.”  “No.”  “I don’t know.” 

Later, she asked Mom to watch TV with her, but the baby was crying. When she asked Dad to color with her, he said he had just returned from work and needed to rest. 

That was it. Aditi couldn’t take it anymore.  

“You only love the baby. No one loves me. You hate me!” Aditi cried with loud and heartbreaking sobs. 

Her parents were taken aback. “Just because we’re busy right now doesn’t mean we don’t love you,” they said. 

But the sobbing and screaming continued. Aditi felt unheard and even more disconnected. The more she longed for connection, the more alone she felt. Her little world was falling apart. 

Her parents kept asking: 

“What happened at Kinder?”  “Did someone say something to you?”  “Are you hungry?” 

But she said nothing. Because she couldn’t. She rolled on the floor, threw her soft toys, screamed, and howled. 

Tired and exhausted, her parents eventually resorted to discipline: “Do not scream at your parents. Pick up all your toys now!” 

Aditi just sobbed. She didn’t listen. 

Connection Before Correction 

Aditi wasn’t throwing a tantrum to “act out.” She wasn’t being difficult. She was overwhelmed. She didn’t have the emotional vocabulary to say, I’m exhausted. I feel left out. I miss you. I needed you today. 

Young children often don’t cry because of what has just happened. They cry because of everything that was built up before it. When we start rapid-firing questions or try to teach them in that moment, we often miss what they truly need: Connection, not interrogation. Curiosity, not judgment. 

They do not need disciplining in that moment. Discipline is most effective when the mind is calm and attentive, not when the brain is stressed and in crisis. 

As parents, we often listen to respond, trying to fix what we think might be broken in our child’s world. But most often, they don’t need a solution. They just need to be heard. 

Being truly listened to has a calming effect. Not because the problem is solved, but because the feelings have been let out. It tells the child: You matter. Your emotions are valid. You’re safe. 

Emotional Regulation in Young Children Starts With Us 

Children need our help in learning emotional regulation. More importantly, they need us to model it. Many of us weren’t taught these skills growing up, but it’s never too late to learn. Just like we learn new technology, hobbies, or how to manage our finances, we can also learn the language of emotions. 

When we begin to notice our own patterns, name our feelings, and take responsibility instead of blaming others, we show our children how to do the same. And that changes everything. 

Listening to React vs. Listening to Understand 

• Pause before responding. Give space instead of rushing to fix. 

• Reflect their feelings. Say, “It sounds like you had a really hard day,” even if you don’t know all the details. 

• Be present. Sometimes, your full attention is the answer, even without a big conversation.  

• Put the devices away. Set down your phone and turn off the TV when your child needs you. These small actions send a powerful message: in that moment, they matter most. 

• Validate first, problem-solve later. Validation calms the nervous system and builds trust. 

• Let silence be okay. Not every feeling needs to be translated immediately. 

• Even when a child is being reactive or disrespectful, be gentle:  “Can you be softer? I don’t respond well to that tone. "More often than not, you’ll see them pause and soften. 

We all have tough days. Our children do too. But unlike us, they’re still learning what those feelings even mean. So the next time your child cries, withdraws, or melts down seemingly out of nowhere, ask yourself: Is there something they’re feeling but can’t say yet? 

By practicing active listening and offering our presence instead of pressure, we give our children the safety to be seen. And in that space, real connection and emotional growth begin.