The Hidden costs of Masculinity: How our definition of ‘Manhood’ is hurting us

When did you learn that being a man meant being silent?

For many of us, it wasn’t taught outright. It was absorbed. Watching our fathers bottle things up. Seeing uncles return from work without a word. Feeling confused when emotions came up and there was no space for them, just a quiet instruction to “man up.”

Growing up, I thought strength meant control. Holding it together no matter what. Not crying. Not breaking. Not speaking when I didn’t know the answer. It took me years to realise that this version of strength was, in fact, suffocating me; and hurting people around me in ways I didn’t fully understand at the time. This is a common challenge when it comes to masculinity and mental health in Indian men.

This version of masculinity—the one handed down like an old family recipe—comes with hidden costs.

Not just for men, but for our partners, our families, and our communities.

The Emotional Bill We’re Still Paying

Over the past months, while holding space for men through The Namaste Network, I’ve seen these costs up close. I’ve seen men who can’t talk to their fathers, and men who don’t know how to talk to their sons. Men who use humour to dodge vulnerability, and men who carry quiet addictions just to get through the week.

One man told me he can’t remember a single time his father hugged him. Another broke down while sharing how he disciplines his child the same way he was disciplined, not because he believes in it, but because it’s the only way he knows.

There’s so much tenderness beneath the surface, but it’s buried under years of emotional suppression, harsh role models, and unspoken expectations rooted in patriarchy.

And when you can’t express what you’re feeling, that energy doesn’t just disappear.

It turns into substance use.

It turns into disconnection from partners.

It turns into anger, silence, or shame.

The Ripple Effect: How Masculinity Shapes Our Families

When emotional connection is absent, men often retreat into roles—provider, protector, punisher. But what family really needs is presence. And what partners often crave is emotional intimacy, not emotional shut-down or silence.

Through IndianCare’s Stronger Families initiative, we see just how deeply this inherited version of manhood affects parenting. When fathers are emotionally unavailable or solely associated with discipline, it teaches children, especially sons, that love is something distant or earned, not openly given. It also teaches daughters that emotional labour is a woman’s job. These patterns don’t just impact one generation; they echo.

What if we raised boys who saw their fathers express affection freely?

What if fathers were allowed to cry, to cook, to nurture—not just provide?

We all talk about gender equality, but real change begins at home, in the way we model partnership and care. Equal parenting is not just about splitting chores. It’s about ensuring children grow up with a balanced view of love and responsibility—seeing both parents as emotionally available and supportive.

Breaking the Pattern, One Conversation at a Time

This is the heart of what we do at The Namaste Network. We’re not here to preach or fix. We’re here to listen, reflect, and slowly unlearn what no longer serves us.

Sometimes it starts with a game. Sometimes it starts with chai. But always, it begins with honesty.

In these rooms, often filled with awkward laughter and long pauses, men open up about things they’ve never said aloud. The silence that once felt like safety begins to loosen. And in its place, something softer emerges. Something braver.

We’re not redefining masculinity to weaken it. We’re reclaiming its fullness.

Because strength can be gentle. Vulnerability can be courageous.

And connection—real, grounded connection—is what heals.

If you’ve ever felt like something about the way we were taught to ‘be a man’ doesn't sit right with you, know this: you’re not alone. And maybe, just maybe, it's time for you to join The Namaste Network.